Parenthood… man what a journey it is! Never will anything be as hard or as good as parenting. It’s sort of like running a marathon all day, EVERY DAY! We are tested mentally, physically, emotionally, and pushed to different limits constantly. I have dedicated this last year to growing, shifting and learning. Here are the five most powerful things I learned along the way:
1) Allow kids to feel their emotions
For myself, and most of the parents I know, our instinctual reaction when something goes wrong for our kids is to try and fix it. If we are not trying to fix it we usually end up rushing them through their emotions. It’s kind of a hard thing to wrap your mind around at first, but once you find a way to stop trying to fix it and just listen to kids, so many things will shift. Sometimes we all just need someone to listen. Not fix, but listen. It’s easy to say “oh you’re fine” or “buck up it’s no bid deal” or “tomorrow will be better”. I found that when I stopped rushing my kids through their emotions and slapping this band-aid on everything, my kids were able to move through their emotions more quickly (seems counterintuitive right?). Feeling heard and like your feelings are OK is a powerful thing. It is also easy as an adult to dismiss kids feelings because we think they are little and don’t really know anything or what they are feeling isn’t really that bad. What we forget is that to them they don’t feel little and those big emotions are overwhelming. By honoring and respecting their emotions they will feel a sense of belonging and acceptance that can take them far in life. Some studies have shown that emotional intelligence (EQ) is much more important than a persons IQ.
2) Bribery is damaging in the long run
Bribery is one of the easiest defaults and yet one of the most damaging things to your relationship with your child. Bribery is a slippery slope and before you know it you can end up in a situation where every action requires a reward, bribe or trick. Bribery is damaging to the connection with your child because young kids associate this with your love for them. If they don’t complete the task at hand and the reward or bribe is taken away, to them it is like you are taking your love away. It feels as though your love is dependent on their behavior. We know we love our kids but they will begin to focus on external motivators and do things for the wrong reasons. If we can connect with our kids and offer them ways to find internal motivation it will deepen our relationship with them. That calls for celebration or a special treat, which is different than a bribe. It is a joy to celebrate with them instead of making everything a reward/punishment situation.
3) Self care is vital
I am sure you hear this a lot but I cannot emphasize this enough. If we do not take care of ourselves we cannot take care of others to our fullest potential. Sure you can survive the day but trying to pour from an empty cup only gets harder and harder. Self care does not have to be an elaborate spa day or weekend away with the girls. It can be as simple as a 20 minute meditation in the morning. If you struggle with this start small. Think of one way each week that you can nourish yourself emotionally, mentally and physically. This was super hard for me in the beginning. Before kids I was great at this but it was so hard for me to ask for help when the twins arrived. I have learned that I am a social person and so getting out with friends every few weeks restores me emotionally. Physically I try to do something each day whether its drinking half my body weight in ounces of water, a walk with the kids or painting my nails. Mentally we have to be strong as parents. I started waking up earlier in the morning so I could do a meditation and calm my mind. I also try to work on creative things twice a week because that fills up my soul. When I ask for help and take care of myself, I am without a doubt a better mom, wife and friend. Not only does it fuel me up to get through each day but I love demonstrating for my kids how important self care is.
4) Eliminate comparison and judgment.
As the wise Theodore Roosevelt once said “Comparison is the thief of joy”. It is so easy to constantly compare ourselves to other parents its not even funny. In my experience comparison is also directly related to judgment. Whether I am judging myself or another parent I lose. Everyone is unique and everyone’s kids are unique. Can we all just embrace each other and our differences? If we can love ourselves and our kids where we are at, we will all be much happier. Social media makes this hard because the pop up photos of that “perfect” happy family make us doubt ourselves. That photo doesn’t tell you about their struggles, only the best side of them that they want you to see. Cheer on other families because ultimately we want them to cheer us on as well.
5) Learn the language of empathy
I will be honest that learning the language of empathy is truly like learning a different language. For starters it’s hard and requires dedication. Empathy is constantly confused with sympathy but they are so different. Empathy goes back to the idea that we have to listen to and honor our kids. Instead of dismissing their emotions put yourself in their shoes and let them know you hear them, you’ve been there and you get it. This requires us to put our own emotions aside and really focus on the ones we love. Don’t discount or judge their feelings because everyone’s perspective is valid. If you have received empathy you know how good it feels to feel heard and accepted. Self empathy during those tough parenting moments is also part of the learning curve. When you’re having a rough parenting day its ok to stop and say this sucks or its hard before you try to move on. We must honor our own feelings so we can honor our kids feelings. I highly recommend Brene Brown’s books and parent coaching if you are looking to expand your empathy capabilities.
For more on my parenting evolution and journey you can visit my webpage at www.peaceatheartparenting.com. I am deeply passionate about educating and empowering parents to find Peace at Heart on their own parenting journey!